


Blue Book

by iambread



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-11-28 10:04:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 2,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20964752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iambread/pseuds/iambread
Summary: A collection of quick writes and poetry written in my English IV Honors class





	1. Day One

8•28•19

I don't know what I want from today. I'm very unprepared. I barely slept, I didn't eat, I haven't had anything to drink in hours, I'm trying to get used to being here and figure everything out and figure out what I want from life right now, but I'm tired and dizzy and stressed and I cant focus.


	2. Sad Bitch Hours + Writing Assignment

8•29•19

I don't think there's anything I'm hugely passionate about. I've never been very good at developing hobbies because I have a very short attention span. I get bored of things very quickly and then I end up doing nothing and dragging through life. I'm trying out a few new things this year, so we'll see what happens.

I am a human. A living, breathing hunk of flesh. I am existing in this world and taking up space and living in the same world as everyone else.

I am not a human. I have a hard time interacting the way other humans do. I don't fit in well with other humans. I don't relate well to other humans. I have no patience for other humans.

I feel like people secretly hate me. I feel like people only tolerate me because I'm there. Nobody actively seeks me out and wants to talk to me. People don't consider me a friend. People say nice things to my face and then talk shit when I leave. Meeting new people is hard because everything inside me is screaming and I'm panicking and scared.


	3. Real Crackhead Hours

9.3.19

I'm not feeling as miserable today as I was before. I mean, my stomach hurts, but I think I'm just hungry. I slept over Link's house this weekend. Me and Zelda walked to the Dunkin on the corner just to see what the cops were doing down the road. We debated summoning a demon in the parking lot, but didn't have the supplies to do so.


	4. Purgatory

9.4.19

Today is Mom's birthday. I already gave her the present I bought. Tonight I think we're going to get dinner. I'm in a weird place right now. It's almost like after the continuous total breakdown that August became, I'm in some sort of limbo of trying to get my shit together. It's strange, but I've actually been pretty productive.


	5. Knee

9.9.19

Yesterday I fucked up my knee. H and I went roller skating with her friends and I fell within 15 minutes of being there. It probably wouldn't have been as bad as it is today if I had actually sat down for a bit and taken care of it, but I just kept going. Now it's all bruised and floor burned and it hurts to move it. It's not broken, it just really effing hurts.


	6. Optimistic

9.10.19

Today is another weird day. I'm upset, because last night kinda sucked, but I'm actually rather enjoying today. I'm listening to J's album in full. It's really good. I'm tired, but not feeling unpleasant. I also borrowed Ms. C's copy of Good Omens, which I'm very excited about, because I love the show, and I'm finding the book just as good.


	7. Mini Burnout

9.11.19

I had to tell P last night that I can't keep getting C. I feel awful for just bailing like that, but I hadn't given myself really any time to do anything. On nights I have to work, I wouldn't have even started my homework until after 11. I couldn't set myself up for failure like that. I'm not really sure how I'm feeling today. My outfit is cool, but probably looks shitty on me. My hair is a disaster. I've done it 3 times now. I'm trying to decide what I should do tonight while Mom and Dad are here for back-to-school night. It's not like I can go with them. I might go to KB if I'm feeling up to it.


	8. Proud

9.12.19

T told me he was proud of me last night. I damn near cried. Teachers have never said they're proud of me. I was supposed to skip 2 grades in elementary school, so it was just expected that I would do well. In 7th grade, when I dropped, there was no reason at all for anyone to take pride in my work. But now I'm working my ass off and that class was Really Tough, but I got a 3 on the test and T is PROUD OF ME!


	9. Overload

9.13.19

Today I am tired. I feel like I'm drudging through everything. I am doing my best to focus, but I am exhausted and everything is really overwhelming today. People were talking in health and I had to sit and cover my ears. Mr. H is extremely loud and it is very distracting. I'm considering just putting in my headphones and drowning out all the scratching and tapping and talking and everything.


	10. Vent

9.16.19

I am not going to do something just because you said I should. Disagreeing with you does not make me cold. If I say no, you do not get to keep pushing. You talk to me maybe 10 minutes a day 1 day a week, you have no say in what I do with my things. I don't give a fuck what you think I should be doing. Not everything has to become a part of my relationship. I am my own person and I am allowed to do things for myself.


	11. 7:15

9.17.19

It's too early for this shit. It's a Tuesday morning and it's not even 8 o' clock and I barely slept and I feel terrible and I just want to be at home in my bed, maybe taking a nap or watching a movie or just doing nothing. Normally I wouldn't even be awake this time of day. I don't know how today is going to go, but I hope it's better than I feel like it will be.


	12. IDK Man

9.18.19

Today is a day. I'm experiencing so many emotions that it's becoming overwhelming. I'm trying to pick just one to dwell on, but I'm having a hard time. I'm panicked and upset about my tire. I'm happy because N keeps making me laugh. I'm sad because I always am. I just don't know how I feel today.


	13. Runaway Thought Train

9.19.19

The Area 51 Raid is supposed to be tomorrow, but I don't have the money to travel, so I can't go. I'm really fucking cold today, and I have been like all week. My head's been hurting a lot, almost like I haven't been wearing my glasses. My hair dye has been staying in much better than last time. I'm still really confused as to why my shower doesn't run cold, but I'll figure something out. One of my bracelets keeps falling off. I might have to fix it. My tire appears to be okay. We swapped the two front ones and it still went off on the same side, so it's an issue with the sensor and not the tire.


	14. Return

9.20.19

I went to my elementary school to run a table at open house last night. I got to go to see some of my old teachers, and I was told how much potential they had seen in me as a kid. It was kind of surreal because I never knew that anyone had ever had so much faith in me. It was nice to go back to where it all started my last year of high school, and I think it was the confidence boost I needed.


	15. Grounded

9.23.19

This weekend I got grounded. My mom found out that I asked H for her shoes for lab and she's pissed. I get to spend at least the rest of the week without my phone, which doesn't leave me much to do with my spare time. I had N come sit in the back of my car with me this morning because I missed him. It was honestly something I really needed. Just having the opportunity to sit together and hold each other for the first time in a while was really nice.


	16. Planning

9.25.19

I'm exhausted. I barely slept. I'm fighting to stay awake. It sucks because I have so much to do after school and I won't have time for a nap later on. I'm trying KB today. I'll have to talk to mom about payment. We might actually get to eat dinner at a reasonable time, since I don't have to be there until 7:30, which is when I normally come home from things. I'll have to work out scheduling too. That way I can do things and my family doesn't need to wait to eat something.


	17. Kickboxing

9.26.19

Well, I went to KB. I'm super sore today and I can't stay awake. J hits so hard, every time he hit a pad I nearly went flying. I'm finding that I'm extraordinarily out of shape (no surprise there) and have a hard time doing things. I hope I'll get better as time goes on. Ju is an interesting teacher. He has to stop and remember that I'm new and need detailed explanations on things.


	18. Pride

9.27.19

My pride flag came in on Wednesday. I opened it yesterday and had to look around my room a while to figure out where to put it. I settled on putting it on my window in place of a curtain. That way I can let light come through without exposing any of the view to the outside world. The light is all pink and blue and purple and it's making me really happy.


	19. Spooky

9.30.19

Tomorrow is the first day of October, which means I can finally start preparations for Halloween. I can put my shark in the yard, I can figure out the final details of my costume, I can start decorating. I'm trying to help N decide on a costume. I really want him to dress up with me, but he wants to see the rest of the show first.


	20. Food Log

10.1.19

I'm still not entirely comfortable with the food logs from health class. As someone who has had eating issues in the past, I'm not entirely comfortable telling the whole goddamn class about my eating habits. I feel like the whole project is going to send someone to a very bad place. I understand why we are doing it and why we are learning about this, but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it.


	21. I Could Write About

I do not know what to write about. I could write about the graphic novels I've been reading. I could write about KB, and the music I put together, and the pink gloves I have coming in tomorrow. I could write about the cut on my gum from N being an idiot. I could write about the aches and pains of working out for the first time in years. I could write about the embarrassment of having to admit I can't hold myself up. I could write about my food log again and how b read it and the only thing he said aloud was the half serving of a candy bar I had yesterday. I could write about how N had to stand behind me and hold me upright so JF wouldn't knock me over.


	22. I am because

10.3.19

I am happy because T said he would write me a recommendation. I am excited because my family is planning two vacations in the next year. I am cold because this room is freezing. I am relieved because I finished my take home quiz before class. I am nervous because I still dont know the nitrogen cycle and the quiz on it is tomorrow. I am determined because I have deadlines to meet and I know I can do it.


	23. Music

10.4.19

Ways to Be Wicked. Good is the New Bad. Animal Crackers in my Soup. What's My Name? Put Your Head On my Shoulder. Your Song. Rainbow. When I Grow Up. You've Got a Friend In Me. Almost There. Rainbow Connection. Under the Sea. You're my Best Friend.


	24. I Failed

10.7.19

I failed to leave work on time because of one lady and her mountain of clothing. I failed to do all parts of my job. I failed to get the money I owe. I failed to eat properly. I failed to plan things out and have to play the week by ear. I failed to set up an appointment. I failed to be a good person.


	25. On The Subject of The Handmaid's Tale

10.8.19

I couldn't imagine not having the rights I have. I couldn't imagine not having control of my self and my life and my body. I couldn't imagine being forced into attempting to procreate with someone I barely know. I couldn't imagine having everything, even my name, taken from me. We still have a long way to go, but god am I thankful for what I've got.


	26. I Stayed + A Memoir in 100 Words + Puddles

10.9.19

I stayed because I was lonely.  
I stayed because I was scared.  
I stayed because I thought it was better than the alternative.  
I stayed because he told me he loved me.  
I stayed because he told me he cared.  
I stayed because he told me he knew me better than I did.  
I stayed because I was too proud to admit that it hurt. 

/  
/  
/

There is a sea of black in front of me. We visit her. She is still, as most people in this state are. I find him in an instant. We stay together the whole time. We mingle with the people who care enough to come. Eventually he breaks down. I take his glasses as droplets flow down his cheeks. I pull him close, not caring if my dress gets wrinkled. He holds my head to his chest, as if me not being able to see means it isnt happening. I stay there, on his chest, just listening to his broken sobs.

/  
/  
/  
/  
/

Tonight was tough. He had a really bad day, and my iron was acting up, and we were both a complete and utter mess. I did the best I possibly could to support him, and I think I managed to get him down a little bit. We ended up crying in my car fir a while, but sometimes that's just what needs to happen. At the end of the day, I will always be there to support and take care of him, because I know he would do the same for me in a heartbeat.


	27. Popcorn

10.10.19

We decided to go to the movies.  
It was the first time we were really alone together.  
Nobody goes to the movies on a school night,  
we were sitting close to each other  
filling any space between us.  
We have no idea who started it  
but he tasted like popcorn.  
He pulled away, practically to the other side of the chair.  
Ten minutes later he's sprinting  
to the bathroom with his hand over his mouth.


	28. Leader

10.15.19

She was supposed to be my leader. An authority figure. Someone I could look up to. She would put on a nice front, and then take every opportunity to rip everything you care about apart. She was only there for you when it was convenient. She was supposed to be a role model, and now I still cant trust adults.


	29. A list of things I am behind on because I chose to sit still instead

10.17.19

Scholarship applications. College essay. Gold award paperwork. Costume making. Dance registration. Room cleaning. Car cleaning. Applications. Phone calls. Choreography. Research. PowerPoint.


	30. Untitled

10.18.19

I want to be the stars, holding the wishes of children and the awe of those who gaze at me. I want to be the sunlight, warming the Earth and those upon it. I want to be the thunder, bold and magnificent. I want to be the rain tapping on the window, comforting and ambient. I want to be the blanket you wrap around yourself, holding you through the night, holding you close to my heart, and shielding you from the outside.


End file.
